Why I hate Philly

Why do cars park in the middle of some streets?

You know what I’m talking about. The cars that park between the yellow lines in the middle of some of the wider streets.

How can this possibly be legal?

Is this another one of those things I just don’t get because I’m not from here?

And don’t get me started on how impossible it is to find meter parking in Center City on a weekday afternoon. Yes parking in every city can be difficult and yes there’s the option of a pay lot. But come on.

On three dreadful occasions last summer and fall, I had to drop off a friend for a doctor’s appointment on (I think) 9th street by Chestnut. I drove around for at least a half an hour each time trying to find a place to park for a while.

Is there a secret to finding a spot to park on the street? If so please share!

The last time, after looking for an open spot for 45 minutes, I found a 20 minute loading zone down the street from where I had dropped my friend off. I pulled in at the front end of it, right behind the sign, very close to the car behind me, and waited.

After about ten minutes, someone pulled in front of me. He backed up until he touched my front bumper. Then he jumped out of the car and started walking away. I blew my horn and said “I have to leave and you just blocked me in”. Guess what Mr Charming Pants did. Looked at me blanky and continued on his way.

When my friend walked up a few minutes later, he directed me so I was able to get the car out of this tight squeeze. It took about ten minutes to get out. Not a bad woman driver thing. I know my cars. Meanwhile Mr Charming Pants has still not returned. Police cars have passed by and not ticketed his car for being parked illegally.

The thought of leaving a note behind passed through my mind. But that would have been a collosal waste of time. Sad sad sad are the oblivious people.

These things are just the tip of the iceberg. There’s so many other parking issues in this city. My head will explode if I try to write about all of them.

To all the innocent people that come to Philadelphia to visit historic sites, be forewarned. There is very little brotherly love on the streets of Philadelphia. Traffic rules, among many other things, are a little different here. Heed this advice:

1. If you are stopped at a red light and the car in front of you does not immediately take off when the light turns green, bide your time. Do not honk your horn. If you do, you’re likely to be the recipient of an obscene gesture and/or an angry scream. At the very least a dirty look.

2. There are lots of intersections with four-way stop signs. Should you come to a complete halt at one of these stop signs, you run the danger of being rear-ended by the car behind you. Philadelphians think that stopping is optional. They really enjoy playing traffic director and waving you on to go at one of these intersections though. Go figure.

3. The three second following rule does not apply in Philadelphia. Tailgating is a way of life here. Be prepared to have cars drive about one car length behind you going 60 mph.

4. When you’re driving on the highway, if a car in another lane in front of you puts on their blinker to change into your lane, they will make the lane change regardless if you’re in the way or not. They do not understand that turn signals are meant to show intention. They seem to think it’s the equivalent of a mobile yield sign.

5. Speaking of yield signs, they are for the most part ignored in Philadelphia. Do not presume that you have the right of way in any situation. If you are driving in a lane and see another lane converge into yours with a clearly marked yield sign in that other lane, be aware that the cars entering won’t necessarily yield to you. It’s more likely that they’ll cut you off. Speaking of cutting you off……

6. As you come upon any intersection, beware of cars pulling out in front of you. Turning right on red is allowed except where marked otherwise. Yet many Philadelphia drivers merely slow down before making a right on red. It doesn’t matter if a car is approaching. Nine times out of ten they’ll cut you off instead of stop.

6. Slow way down if you happen to come across a school with a flashing 15mph speed limit sign. This is the one and only traffic rule that is almost universally obeyed in the Philadelphia area.

Cars driving down the road have the right of way over cars entering the road from a side street or parking lot. Correct? Not in Philadelphia, apparently.

Our characters:
Unicorn - female driver, clean driving record for 24 years, no accidents, last speeding ticket 1992
Ignoramus - various drivers in the Philadelphia area

Situation 2:

Unicorn is driving on a road with two lanes in either direction and approaches an intersection with a red light. The vehicle slows accordingly, blinker goes on, preparing to make a right at the light.

There are currently two cars waiting at the intersection, both in the left lane to make left turns. Unicorn is going right so the path is clear.

On the right side of the road, very close to the intersection, is the exit from a shopping center parking lot.

A minivan called Ignoramus barrels out of the lot, glancing to the left and visibly registering Unicorn’s approach. It doesn’t stop.

Ignoramus wants to make a left at the light. But since there are already two cars waiting in the left turn lane, there’s not enough room for Ignoramus to even partially fit in the lane behind those cars.

This is of no consequence to Ignoramus. The minivan is now stopped at an angle, completely blocking the right lane.

Unicorn is unable to continue on its way. The intersection is a scant 30 feet away. There’s not a no turn on red sign. Unicorn needs to go somewhere. It’s agonizing.

The driver of Ignoramus can clearly see Unicorn. After all, the driver side window is at an almost perpendicular angle about five feet from where it cut off Unicorn.

This is Philadelphia. The driver of Ignoramus and its occupants ignore that their vehicle is blatantly blocking a lane of traffic.

Mind you, Unicorn’s right turn blinker has clearly been on and there are no other vehicles behind Unicorn. There is no logical reason for Ignoramus to pull out in front, cutting Unicorn off. Only lack of courtesy and respect, the trademark of Philadelphia behavior.

Cars driving down the road have the right of way over cars entering the road from a side street or parking lot. Correct? Not in Philadelphia, apparently.

Our characters:
Unicorn - female driver, clean driving record for 24 years, no accidents, last speeding ticket 1992
Ignoramus - various drivers in the Philadelphia area

Situation 1:

At an intersection, a red light turns green and Unicorn makes a right turn onto a street with a speed limit of 30 mph. Roughly two hundred yards from the intersection is a shopping center.

The driver of Unicorn is not a speed demon. The car gradually gains the 30 mph speed limit, just as it approaches the shopping center parking lot exit/entrance.

A second car known as Ignoramus is exiting the shopping center. It comes almost to a stop as it approaches the street. The driver of Unicorn alertly keeps an eye on Ignoramus. Unfortunately, even though Ignoramus does indeed look to the left, the driver decides to pull out anyway.

Unicorn is forced to slam on the brakes to avoid collision, sending the dog occupying the passenger seat flying to the floor.

For once, Unicorn is not going to let this slide. A beloved and innocent dog bouncing onto the floor can make even the most magical of creatures lose sanity temporarily.

After an inspection of the dog to ensure she’s OK, the chase begins.

Unicorn has become a speed demon and quickly catches the sputtering Ignoramus, which has made a turn and is now cruising down a street at a leisurely 25 mph. The speed limit on this road is 30 mph.

Hey Ignoramus, what was your hurry to get out of that lot when you drive so slowly a bicycle can pass you?

At the next red light, Unicorn’s horn is repeated blasted to get the attention of Ignoramus. Neither of the two heads turn around or glance in the mirror. Completely oblivious.

The light turns green and Ignoramus continues lumbering down the road. Unicorn is following closely, flashing lights and blaring horn. Still no reaction.

That’s OK. Unicorn has time.

After a few miles, Ignoramus turns into an upscale townhome community. So does Unicorn.

As Ignoramus pulls into a driveway, Unicorn slows a prudent distance behind and stops. The door pops open and the driver jumps out. It’s on.

Approaching the middle-aged occupants of Ignoramus, who are now taking bags of groceries from the trunk, Unicorn’s driver lets loose.

“Do you realize what you did back there? You saw me coming and cut me off! I had to slam on my brakes and my dog flew to the floor. What were you doing? What’s wrong with you?”

Ignoramus responds after a moment, “Maybe you were speeding and shouldn’t have been driving so fast”.

Unicorn is flabbergasted. “I was not speeding, I just turned onto the road, you just didn’t care that my car was coming down the street, you pulled out anyway and you know it! You put me and yourself in jeopardy. Why?”

“What do you want me to do?”. All the while he’s still unloading groceries, barely even looking at me. Meanwhile Ignoramus-ette looks on with an expression of amusement but doesn’t move from her position or say a word.

“Well now that I know where you live I can find out your name and you’ll hear from my lawyer to cover the vet bills. You obviously couldn’t care less what you do to other people but maybe if it takes a chunk out of your wallet maybe you won’t do it again.”

With this, Unicorn takes note of the address and returns to the vehicle.

Admittedly, this was not good behavior on the part of Unicorn. It’s shameful. But maybe some of what was said did get through, even though the lawsuit threat was an empty one. Maybe Ignoramus will think twice before cutting someone off like that again. Maybe not.

Picture this:

A narrow two lane street, one lane in each direction, yellow line down the middle of the road.

A car is double-parked on one side of the street, blocking off that lane.

A city bus approaches, traveling in the lane of the double-parked car. Coming the other way is a lone driver in an SUV. Their paths are destined to cross in the vicinity of the double-parked car.

What to make of this situation? In a normal world, you would expect that the city bus driver would conscientiously slow his vehicle and remain in his lane until after the oncoming SUV progresses past the blockage.

But this is Philadelphia.

In this bizarro world, the city bus driver speeds up as he approaches the spot where his lane is blocked. The driver of the SUV is forced to slow down and stop the vehicle a good distance from the double-parked car and wait while the city bus careens past, recklessly driving on the wrong side of the street, blatantly ignoring both traffic laws and the laws of common sense.

Obviously the SUV has the right of way in this situation. After all, the lane the SUV is traveling is not blocked by a double-parked car.
Thankfully, the driver of the SUV has enough experience driving the streets of Philadelphia to anticipate the situation and prudently allow the bus to take over the street and pass by before proceeding on.

The question is this….what if the driver of the SUV had not known about the erratic behavior of Philly bus drivers,  and thus hadn’t slowed down to make sure there was enough room for the bus to pass by?

Answer: Head-on collision ending in the death of the SUV driver.

There’s not a court in the land, even in Filthadelphia, that wouldn’t award the SUV driver’s family financial compensation for an accident like this.

Last question……how many times has this already happened and what will it take to make city bus drivers obey traffic laws?

Most residential streets in Philadelphia are narrow roads. There’s usually parking on one or both sides. Plenty of them are one-way streets.

So I’m driving home through my neighborhood,  a few blocks from my house. Near the corner of the next intersection there’s a minivan stopped in the middle of the street. Just stopped with no one inside. Completely blocking the road. That’s nice.

Do you know what’s nicer? Up to the right of the minivan about 20 feet is a big open space on the side of the road. There’s more than enough room for two cars to fit in there easily. Why would a human being choose to totally block a street instead of pulling over and walking an extra 20 feet? Can that be anything other than laziness and disregard for other people?

After about a minute of waiting, a woman comes out of a house and walks around to the drivers side. Apparently she saw my look of displeasure and yelled at me, “I had to drop off my kid what’s your problem?”

My response? “If you don’t care that I have somewhere to go why should I care what you have to do with your kid?”
(Normally I look away and keep my mouth shut when this happens. This was a rare day.)

Her response? A blank stare, then she gets in her minivan and takes off, blowing through a stop sign.

This is not an isolated road-blocking incident. It happens every day on all these little Philadelphia streets.  Sometimes there’s no parking spot available but more times than that, if they would only put in a little effort and do the right thing, they’d park instead of clogging up the road. This disregard for other drivers shows me yet another example of the lack of common courtesy here.

Know what scares me worst of all? I’m looked at like I’m an asshole because I have a problem with this lovely practice. So be it.